The Secret to Raising Smart Kids—Don’t Tell them They are!

dweckThis blog post has been reproduced with permission from ParentEdge, a leading Parenting magazine in India. The post is written by Sudha Kumar, Publisher of ParentEdge. .

The world overvalues smartness and undervalues hard work and effort. So, you would be surprised to know that research done at Stanford University by Carol Dweck, one of the world’s leading researchers in the field of motivation, tells us exactly the opposite.

Dweck’s book Mindset talks about two kinds of attitudes with which individuals approach situations- fixed and growth.People with a fixed mindset believe that their basic qualities like intelligence and talent are fixed traits. They spend time in holding on to their intelligence rather than developing them. More importantly, they believe that talent alone creates success.

People who adopt a growth mindset on the other hand believe that ability can be developed and strengthened through hard work and effort. Talent you are “born with” is just the starting point. This view creates a love for learning and equally significantly resilience.

Now why is this so important for parents and society at large? Because unwittingly or deliberately many of us subscribe to the fixed mindset worldview- and how does this manifest?

By holding “bright” children in high esteem, secretly wishing our kids are tagged the “super smart” or gifted, applauding our children when they figure things out quickly, and also believing that talent is the biggest determinant of success.

Even last week end, when I was anchoring a discussion with parents, one of them said, my son is average in everything he does- he is not exceptional in any area- what does the future hold?

As parents, we categorize our children quite quickly and, as a consequence, we do not do what it takes to motivate them continuously.

If we subscribed to the growth mindset, on the other hand, we will encourage or children to keep trying, praise effort rather than outcomes, motivate them when they are struggling, share with them stories that so called genius is a product of at least 10000 hours of hard work, and inculcate an attitude that effort counts as much, if not more, than innate intelligence.

According to Dweck, the mindset shapes a child’s attitude towards learning and expanding one’s horizons. In life these are attributes that often determine success. An experiment carried out by Dweck among school children showed that a “smart child” with a fixed mindset is reluctant to take on risks, is afraid of failure, and so is unwilling to try the hard problem whereas the child with a growth mindset, even if he is not as smart, is willing to try the same problem, and does not worry as much about not being able to get the right answer.

No prizes for guessing which of the above kinds of children will grow up to be a Rahul Dravid (someone whose performance has far outstripped his innate talent)!

PS: I stole the title of this post from that of an article written by Dweck for the Scientific American!

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Scheduled Parenting

Stressed Mother on TelephoneFor a parent (read: an adult who spends time executing parental duties), life is a mad rush. Wake up. Rush the child. Rush yourself. Most of us might be able to relate to this and the fact that along with rushing, comes a fair bit of being temperamental. What is the result of such crazy schedules? A parent who feels guilty about not executing expected duties on time and a confused child, left with a question mark about his / her capabilities. Nothing great, for sure.

How does one address this? How do you create more time than that you have available in a day? Nothing is easy. Certainly not parenting. The good news, however, is, that most things can be resolved. Treat this like a typical time management issue. Yes, I would argue that time management is the largest issue plaguing today’s parent. We all have needs and desires and keep juggling with the variable of time available at hand only to find that we are dropping more balls than we are able to keep up. The solution? A schedule. Sounds simplistic. Well, maybe it is. At least some bit of it.

It is surprising how many working parents live by the hour at work and at home, and miss commitment after commitment. Some of us don’t and that’s great. But we can do better. Want to spend more ‘quality time’ with your child? Add it on your calendar –  ‘Take Khushi swimming’. Keep the appointment and work around your ‘work’ to make things happen. They will.

I know there are some of us who couldn’t be caught dead with a schedule. For such people, think about it this way. Your child needs you to have a schedule. Children respond well to a schedule. That does not mean you become a micro-manager and say things like ‘It’s 2:30 pm, stop having food and go and do homework’. Instead, be as flexible as the child might need you to be but do start with a schedule and make the child aware that there is a schedule and he / she is expected to adhere to it.

And how does a schedule help the kids? It generally keeps their mood swings at bay. They know when to expect what and they have more purpose in their day. They look forward to play time and know that there is a heads down time. Most of all, however, it makes them learn the art of managing their time.

It is surprising how scheduling some things in life can solve many problems. Many fights amongst couples like who does what for which child or needing time to one’s own self, can be solved to some extent by a schedule. Not just by making a schedule, though. Following it too!

Think about it as one of the biggest gifts you can give to your child. So those of us who run away from schedules and live in the moment, do you think you can give this a shot?

This blog post is a reproduction of my blog written for Parent Edge, one of India’s leading parenting magazines.